Sunday, February 28, 2010

Cannibal Restaurant

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....

  • Tourist: $5.00
  • Broiled Missionary: $10.00
  • Fried Explorer: $15.00
  • Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the Politicians?"
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of crap, it takes all morning."
 
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Saturday, February 27, 2010

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux

Boudreaux was out in da field talkin' wit his frien Thibodeaux. Thibodeaux said "Boudreaux , you see dat ole barn out dere? Well man, its completely infestered wit rats. I tried everything I know an can't get rid of dem."

Boudreaux say, "Thibodeaux, I know xactly how to get rid of dem rats. You gotta get you one of dem bull constriptors." Thibodeaux say, Whats a bull constriptor?". Boudreaux explains, "man. dats one of dem big ole snakes and he loves to eat rats and swallers dem whole, all at once".

Well, da nex day Thibodeaux went down to Kliberts reptile farm and bought him da biggest bull constripter dat dey got. He brought dat snake to da barn an let him loose right in da middle and just sat dere and watched. Well, Thibodeaux was watchin' for a long time, I mean long, an dere wasn't nuttin ' happening. Dat big ole snake jus curled up hiself in da middle of dat barn and slept all day. He didn't even move and dem rats jus run all around.

So Thibodeaux got real frustrated and he called up Boudreaux on da phone, "Boudreaux, man dats some bad advice bout dat snake.Dem rats is still runnin' al around and dat snake jus lays dere sleepin' all day long." Boudreaux says, "Man, Thibodeaux, I know just what to do. Give dat snake some Viagra." Thibodeaux say, "What! Viagra! What's dat gonna do?" Boudreaux say,"I was just listening to da radio and de man say dat Viagra is da best ting to use for a reptile dysfunction."
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Tuesday, February 23, 2010

The Ostrich

The Ostrich
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown Ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger and a coke," and turns to the Ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the Ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please."
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the Ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke.."
The Ostrich says, "I'll have the same.."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the Ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress.. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the Ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."
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Sunday, February 21, 2010

Biblical Tom Swifties

In case you don't know what a Tom Swifty is, here is a definition:

Definition: a play on words consisting of a made-up quotation followed by a punning adverb.
Example: "I know who turned off the lights," Tom hinted darkly - is an example of a Tom Swifty.

Here are some biblical Tom Swifties:

* “She is bone of my bone,” said Adam disjointedly.

* “I have sinned,” said Adam originally.

* “I was afraid because I was naked,” said Adam embarrassedly.

* “We can use these leaves to make aprons,” said Eve figuratively.

* “What are you doing with the razor?” Samson asked baldly.

* “But Jacob has stolen my blessing,” wailed Esau plaintively.

And a few odds and ends:

* “Someone took my needle!” she said pointedly.

* “Oh no! I dropped my toothpaste!” he said crestfallen.

* “I got this cold after Mildred died,” the pastor croaked.

* “We buried her yesterday,” he added gravely.

Do a internet search and you can find hundreds.
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Chickens cannot talk

Q: Why is it that chicken’s can’t talk?

A: Because God doesn’t like fowl language!
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Saturday, February 13, 2010

GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...

GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...

Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater , Texas , had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.

       (Breathe here...)

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her.
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Thursday, February 11, 2010

Windshield Wiper Quit

Windshield Wiper Quit

Which windshield wiper blade always quits first? That's right -- the driver's side. This happened to me one day while driving home in the middle of a blinding storm.
Unable to see, I pulled over and tried to figure out a quick fix. I found it in a yellow cotton work glove lying on the floor. I wedged the cloth hand under the wiper arm. It did a great job keeping my windshield clear.
Not only that -- you'd be surprised at how many people waved back.
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NEWS FLASH: BUSH TO BE HONORED

Bush to be honored by the Obama Administration

In a reconciliatory move by the Obama administration, the president has asked the U. S. Board on Geographical Names to name the fault line beneath Haiti after the 43rd president of the United States, George W. Bush.

This particular fracture in the tectonic plate will henceforth be called "Bush's Fault."
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Wednesday, February 10, 2010

THIS WILL ALMOST BRING A TEAR TO YOUR EYE

THIS WILL ALMOST BRING A TEAR TO YOUR EYE

Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
'Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish,' she asks, 'Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: 'No, I don't think God would get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?'
'Osama Bin Laden,' she says.
'Why Osama Bin Laden?' her father asks in shock.
'Well,' she says, 'I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.'
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride.. ' Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.'

'I know, ' Melissa says, 'and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot that sucker.'
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You can't fix stupid!

You can't fix stupid!

Bubba was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though he knew that he was not speeding.
Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed.
He tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while he rolled past at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for riving without a seat belt.
You can't fix stupid!
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Sunday, February 7, 2010

Adam and God

Adam and God

God said, “Adam, I want you to do something for me.”
Adam said, “Gladly, Lord, what do you want me to do?”

God said, “Go down into that valley.”
Adam said, “What’s a valley?”

God explained it to Adam. Then God said, “Cross the river.”
Adam said, “What’s a river?”

God explained that to him, and then said, “Go over to the hill....”
Adam said, “What is a hill?”

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
God told Adam, “On the other side of the hill you will find a cave..”
Adam said, “What’s a cave?”

God explained, then said, “In the cave you will find a woman.”
Adam said, “What’s a woman?”

So God explained that to Adam, too.
Then, God said, “I want you to reproduce.”
Adam said, “How do I do that?”

God first sniffed, “Geez.....” And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.
Then, in about five minutes, he was back. God’s patience was wearing thin. “What is it now?”

And Adam said, “What’s a headache?”
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Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Little Larry

Little Larry


A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'

The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ...'

If this brightened your day, don't let it stop here.. Pass it on with a smile. Keep spreading the cheer! Pass on to your friends!
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Monday, February 1, 2010

Purdue University

Purdue University
In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.
However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.
The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"
Yep, these are the same kind of 18-year-olds that just voted in our last election and they walk among us.
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