Hypnotism at the Senior Center

Hypnotism at the Senior Center

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center .

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you all into a trance - I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the light.

Claude the hypnotist said: 'I want you each to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.'

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.'

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light shimmering off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

'CRAP!' said the Hypnotist.

It took 3 days to clean up the Senior Center

He's My Brother

He's My Brother

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

Lemon Picker

Lemon Picker

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.
The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this: "Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!
"I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Chryslers, and I voted for Obama..

Answering the Phone

A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are bandaged.

The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"

"Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidently answered the iron."

"Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to the other?"

"Well, I had to call the doctor!"

Don't Step on the Ducks

Don't Step on the Ducks

Three women die together in an accident and go to Heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We have only one rule here in Heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"

So the three women enter Heaven and, sure enough, there are ducks all over the place; it is almost impossible not to step on a duck.

Although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. St. Peter chains them together with the same admonishment he gave the first woman.

The third woman observed all this and, not wanting to be chained to an ugly man for all eternity is very, very careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, One day, St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on – very tall, long eyelashes, muscular. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

"I don't know about you,” says the man. “But I stepped on a duck."


From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor."

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Two Irish hunters

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They managed to bag two. As they were loading the moose on the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could only take one moose because of the weight.
The two lads objected strongly, argued strongly and whined. "Last year we got two. The pilot let us take them both, and he had the same plane as yours. HE did it." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and both moose were loaded.
However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.
Surrounded by the moose bodies Paddy and Mick woke and found they had survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked, "Mick any idea where we are?"
Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

Frog Loan

Frog Loan

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.'

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, 'Sure. I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.'

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?'

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone.'

(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!