Talking Dog For Sale

Talking Dog For Sale

Thibodeaux is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell, and Boodro comes out tells him the dog is in the backyard. Thib goes into the backyard and sees a  Labrador retriever sitting there.    
"Dog, you talk?" he asks.

 "Mais, ya," the Lab replies.

 "So, what's you story?"
 
The Lab looks up and says, "Mais, Ah discovered dat Ah could talk whe Ah was pretty young, and wanted to help duh government; so Ah told duh CIA  about my gift, and in no time at all dey had me jetting from country to country, sittin in rooms wit' spies and world leaders, because no one
figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

"Ah was one of dere most valuable spies fuh eight years running. But duh jetting around really tired me out, and Ah knew Ah wasn't getting any younger an wanted to settle down.
Ah signed up fuh a job at duh airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters an' listening in. Ah uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. Ah got married, had a mess of puppies, and now, Ah'm juss retired."

Thibodeaux is amazed. He goes back in and asks Boodro what he wants for the dog.

  "Ten dollars." says Boo,.

"What? Dis dog is amazin! Why on earth are you sellin' him so cheap?" ask Thib.


"Cause he's a liar," replied Boo. "Mais, he didn't really do any of dat crap!"

Honest?

A little boy and girl were talking on the school playground.
"My dad's an accountant," the boy bragged. "What does your dad do?"
"Actually, he's a really important politician," the girl replied.
"Honest?" the impressed boy asked.
"I didn't say that."

A Police STOP at 2 AM

A Police STOP at 2 AM
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."

MY DADDY IS A DANCER

MY DADDY IS A DANCER
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman... and so forth.
However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men, and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," the boy said. "He works for the Democratic National Committee and helped to get Obama elected, and just it's too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids."

ID at the bank

President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a check. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me"?
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure, sir. Could you please show me your ID."?
Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack H. Obama, president of the United States of America ."
Cashier: "Yes, sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of imposters and forgers, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."
Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Obama: "I am urging you to please cash this check."
Cashier: "Look, sir, here's what we can do: one day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his check. So, what can you do to prove that you are really the President of the United States ?"
Obama stood there thinking, and thinking, and finally says: "Honestly, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing"
Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"

Five Surgeons

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon, from New York, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second, from Chicago, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles, chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC, shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.....There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the rearend are interchangeable."!!

Season Ticket Swap

Season Ticket Swap


Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing.
"Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."
"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"
"Absolutely not," he said.
"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."
"Season's more than half over," he said.