A Police STOP at 2 AM

A Police STOP at 2 AM
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."

MY DADDY IS A DANCER

MY DADDY IS A DANCER
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman... and so forth.
However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men, and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," the boy said. "He works for the Democratic National Committee and helped to get Obama elected, and just it's too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids."

ID at the bank

President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a check. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me"?
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure, sir. Could you please show me your ID."?
Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack H. Obama, president of the United States of America ."
Cashier: "Yes, sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of imposters and forgers, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."
Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Obama: "I am urging you to please cash this check."
Cashier: "Look, sir, here's what we can do: one day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his check. So, what can you do to prove that you are really the President of the United States ?"
Obama stood there thinking, and thinking, and finally says: "Honestly, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing"
Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"

Five Surgeons

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon, from New York, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second, from Chicago, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles, chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC, shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.....There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the rearend are interchangeable."!!

Season Ticket Swap

Season Ticket Swap


Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing.
"Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."
"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"
"Absolutely not," he said.
"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."
"Season's more than half over," he said.

My Little Dog

My Little Dog
This morning I went to sign my dog up for welfare. At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare." So I explained to her that my dog is mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging clue who his Daddy's is. They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care.
So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify...
My dog get his first checks Friday! Darn, this is a great country!!!

Concealed Carry Permit

Concealed Carry Permit
An Arizona Department of Safety Trooper pulled over a pick-up truck owner for a faulty tail light. When the Trooper approached the driver, the man behind the wheel handed the officer his driver's license, insurance card and a concealed weapon carry permit... (CCP).
The Trooper took all the documents, looked them over and said. "Mr.Smith, I see you have a CCP. Do you have any weapons with you?"
The driver replied, " Yes sir, I have a 357 handgun in a hip holster, a .45 in the glove box and a .22 derringer in my boot."
The Trooper looked at the driver and asked, "Anything else?"
"Yes sir, I have a Mossberg 500 - 12 gauge and an AR-15 behind the seat."
The Trooper asked if the man was driving to or from a shooting range and the man said he wasn't, so the Trooper bent over and looked into the driver's face and said "Mr. Smith, you're carrying quite a few guns. May I ask what you are afraid of?"
Mr. Smith locked eyes with the officer and calmly answered, "Not a freaking thing."

Best cowboy pick up line

Best cowboy pick up line.......

A cowboy walks into a bar and  takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.  
He gives her  a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a  moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date  running late?'
'No', he replies, 'I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it...'
The intrigued  woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch?  'What's so special  about it?'
The cowboy explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says , 'What's it telling you now?'
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies 'Well it must be  broken because I am wearing panties!'
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, 'Damn thing's an hour fast .'

Desperate for Water!

Desperate for Water!


A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties. 
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?" 
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5." 
The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!" 
"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom." 
Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead and said, "Your *#!!#* brother won't let me in without a tie!" 

Love

Love
A woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says, "I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you" ...
Her husband asks, "Is that you, or the wine talking?" ...
She replies, "It's me....talking to the wine."

The Queen's Riddle

Riddle solved! I have put this in my jokes; not sure it belongs here, could be true.

The Queen's Riddle

NBC Cuts 'Under God' From Pledge of Allegiance | NewsBusters.org

NBC = Nothing But Commies.

NBC Cuts 'Under God' From Pledge of Allegiance | NewsBusters.org

Scamp Trailer Boat | Funny Pictures

Scamp Trailer Boat | Funny Pictures

New Obama 2012 Campaign Poster (haha) - Patriot Action Network

New Obama 2012 Campaign Poster (haha) - Patriot Action Network

Let him dig

Let him dig 

-----    

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each 
other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard
deep into the night. 

The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the 
grave, and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!' 

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the 
many  strange occurrences  that took place in their neighborhood. 

The old man liked the fact that he was feared. 

To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His wife had 
a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the
local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow. 

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may 
indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave, and come back to
haunt you for the rest of your life ?' 

The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside 
down.' 

Damn!!! Women think of everything!! ! 

Bank owned property, owner evicted.
Needs paint and minor repairs, good fixer-upper.
Possible lead contaminates.
Carpets need replacement, minor stains.
Safe neighborhood, close to law enforcement facilities.

LOST CHURCHES OF LOUISIANA

LOST CHURCHES OF LOUISIANA
The hurricanes & floods which hit the South of our nation have been devastating.  They have not spared the houses of worship in and around the area.
One of the local television stations in South Louisiana aired an interview with a woman from New Orleans.
The interviewer was a woman from a Boston affiliate.
She asked the woman how such total and complete devastation of the churches in the area had affected their lives?
Without hesitation, the woman replied, "I don't know about all those other people,  But we haven't gone to Churches in years.  We gits our chicken from Popeye's".
The look on the interviewer's face was priceless.


They're out there, they live among us, AND THEY VOTE.

Obama Cried, Kids Died - HUMAN EVENTS

Spend time studying info that Glenn Beck has found about Obama and the Middle East and the Muslin Brotherhood.

Obama Cried, Kids Died - HUMAN EVENTS

TO ALL THE "SWEET TATERS" IN MY LIFE

TO ALL THE "SWEET TATERS" IN MY LIFE

Lemon Picker

This  woman applied for a picker job in a Florida lemon grove. She seemed to be far too qualified for the job. The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this: "Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"  
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have! I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Chryslers, and I voted for Obama." 

One Smart Redneck - Chuckle for the day!

One Smart Redneck - Chuckle for the day!


A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Alabama recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove off the Alabama river well-known for its fishing. 
The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?' 
'Naw, sir' , replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.' 
'Pet fish?' 
'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home.' 
'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.' 
The redneck looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.' 
'O. K..' , said the warden. 'I've got to see this!' 
The redneck poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. 
After several minutes, the game warden says, 'Well?' 
'Well, what?', says the redneck. 
The game warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?' 
'Call who back?' 
'The FISH', replied the warden!
'What fish?', replied the redneck. 
Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees!
You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone 

retiring and moving North!