EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 40

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 40

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag .

Depressed..

Depressed..

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, health care, government health insurance, the wars, global warming, my savings, Social Security, credit card debt.....

I called the Suicide Hotline.

Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck or fly a jetliner!

A Christmas Groaner

A Christmas Groaner

Q: On Christmas night, how many angels appeared to the shepherds, and what were their names?

A: There were two angels, and their names were 'Lo' and 'Behold.' ... Doesn't the Bible say, "Lo and Behold, the angels, appeared to the shepherds"?

We are but dust...

We are but dust...

'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' At that moment a youngster in the front row asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'

A Challenged Senior...

A Challenged Senior...

I do pretty good with computers since I have had since 1981, an Atari 800, top of the line. But a lot of the modern stuff is confusing.

I bought me a GPS a couple of years ago. The GPS looks pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside it is the most annoying, rudest person I have run ever into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she sarcastically says, "Re-calc-u-lating;" or "Turn around at first opportunity." You would think that she could be nicer. It is like she could barely tolerate me. She will let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light; and then if I fail to make the U-turn, it's "Katie bar the door!"

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out is just too much for me.

So I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

Roadside Puppies

Roadside Puppies

A dog who gave birth to puppies on the roadside was cited for littering.

Christmas Gift Rules

I ran into a friend while shopping at the mall the other day in front of one of the jewelry stores. Noticing a conspicuously small gift wrapped box in his hand, I asked if was a gift for his wife Becky.

He told me, "With Christmas coming up, I asked Becky what she wanted and she said, "Oh, I don't know, just give me something with lots of diamonds in it."

"So what did you get her?" I asked.

He smiled and replied, "I bought her a deck of cards."

I suspect that I will read of an impeding divorce or a death notice very soon.

Approaching Christmas

Wife to husband: "This Christmas let's give each other sensible gifts...like ties and fur coats."

Twenty Dollar Bill

Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor.
Which one picked it up?
Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!

A Talking Parrot

As an early Christmas present, a man gets a talking parrot from his friend. He takes the parrot home and puts it in his living room.
But every time the man goes near the living room, he hears the parrot shouting insults at him. In desperation, he puts the parrot in the freezer.
After a few minutes, the insults stop. Thinking he might have killed the parrot, he takes it out of the freezer. The parrot is still alive, but it is shivering.
It stammers, "I'm s-sorry for b-b-being s-so rude. P-p-please forgive m-me."
So the man forgives him. After a while the parrot asks, "What exactly did the turkey do?"

[Old joke adapted for the season.]

Pre-Christmas Dentist Appointment

A man goes ito his dentist's office, because something is wrong with his mouth.
After a brief examination the destist explains, "Holy smoke! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded. What on earth have you been eating?"
The man replied, "Well the only thing I can think of is this ... my wife made me some aspargus about four months ago with this stuff on it. Hollandaise sauce she called it.
"And doctor, I'm talking 'delicious'. I've never tasted anything like it. And ever since the I've been putting on everything - meat, fish, toast, vegetables - you name it."
The dentist responded, "That's probably it. Hollandaise sauce is made from lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. It seems as though I'll have to install a new plate, but this time made out of chrome."
"Why chrome?" the man asked.
The dentist replied, "Well, everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise."
(via the web.)

WARNING FROM PAKISTAN

WARNING FROM PAKISTAN

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan , Taliban Minister of Migration Mohammed Omar warned the United States that, if military actions against Iraq and Afghanistan continue, Taliban authorities intend to cut off America 's supply of convenience store managers and possibly Motel 6 managers.

If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by DELL and AOL customer Service Reps.

Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened to send us no more candidates for President of the United States!

It's gonna get ugly!!!

TEACHER ARRESTED IN NEW YORK

TEACHER ARRESTED IN NEW YORK -

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.'

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that another Nobel Prize will certainly follow.

[via the web]

Bill Clinton, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

Bill Clinton, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

Bill Clinton, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth call England and talks for 30 minutes. When she was finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check. Finally, Bill Clinton gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he was finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge for the call and feel free to call the USA anytime.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Clinton got to call the USA free. The devil replied, ¨Since Obama became president of the USA, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call.

Christmas Cookie Rules

Christmas Cookie Rules...

1. If you eat a Christmas cookie fresh out of the oven, it has no calories because everyone knows that the first cookie is the test and thus calorie free.

2. If you drink a diet soda after eating your second cookie, it also has no calories because the diet soda cancels out the cookie calories.

3. If a friend comes over while you're making your Christmas cookies and needs to sample, you must sample with your friend. Because your friend's first cookie is calorie free, (rule #1) yours is also. It would be rude to let your friend sample alone and, being the friend that you are, that makes your cookie calorie free.

4. Any cookie calories consumed while walking around will fall to your feet and eventually fall off as you move. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

5. Any calories consumed during the frosting of the Christmas cookies will be used up because it takes many calories to lick excess frosting from a knife without cutting your tongue.

6. Cookies colored red or green have very few calories. Red ones have three and green ones have five - one calorie for each letter. Make more red ones!

7. Cookies eaten while watching "Miracle on 34th Street" have no calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.

8. As always, cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

9. Any cookies consumed from someone else's plate have no calories since the calories Rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to their plate. We all know how calories like to CLING!

10. Any cookies consumed while feeling stressed have no calories because cookies used for medicinal purposes NEVER have calories. It's a rule!

So, go out and enjoy those Christmas Cookies - we only get them this time of year!

You can rate this joke at: http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh-archive/4231

CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES

CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.

By following simple advice heard on the Oprah show, you too can find inner peace.

Dr. Oz proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Tequila, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.

Pass this on if you know anyone you think might be in need of inner peace.

Remember Reagan?

Reagan?

Remember when Ronald Reagan was President?

We also had Bob Hope and Johnny Cash still with us…

Now we have Obama and no hope and no cash.
 (Not really a joke; just the sad truth.)

New Mexico Chili Cookoff

New Mexico Chili Cookoff


This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT ... Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 -- No report.

Widdle Wabbits

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice...

"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

Not "funny" jokes, just jokes

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.
We agree and think 25 to life would be appropriate.
**********************
America needs Obamacare like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
**********************
Q: Have you heard about McDonalds new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
**********************
Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society.
The other is for housing prisoners.
**********************
Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog?
A: Bo has papers.

Three Hymns

Three Hymns

One Sunday, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed ten $100 bills in the offering.

He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly-looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front.

Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

A cowboy at the Pearly Gates

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman.

I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face ... Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Just a couple of minutes ago…......'

Basebell Score

A passerby stopped to watch a baseball game taking place at the local park.

"Who's playing?" he asked another observer.

"The Masons against the Knights of Columbus," he responded.

"What's the score?"

"I don't know. It's a secret."

Lost Bible

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.

Three weeks later a cow walked up carrying the Bible in it's mouth.

The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes.

He took the book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"

"Not really," said the cow.

"Your name was written inside the cover."

When Pigs Fly....

This morning, while I was eating breakfast, I was watching Fox news. On the scroll line below the commentators there was an article in which it was stated that the H1N1 virus, which is swine flu, was starting to mutate with the H5N1 virus, which is avian flu.

The first thing that crossed my mind was "Great, now pigs are flying."

Well, that was the time when Dad said we could have whatever outrageous thing that was on our list that month...

Thanksgiving Witticisms

“Last Thanksgiving, I had my chance to do the traditional thing of shooting my own turkey. Man, you should have seen the people scatter in the meat department.”

“When everyone at the table takes turns saying what they are thankful for, say, ‘I'm thankful I didn't get caught,’ and refuse to say anything more.”

[From a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’. To Subscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail.]

A Harley biker

(Not for sure this is a joke.)
A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S.. Marine and a Republican.' The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page: U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.

Funny Groaners

* Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

* A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'

* Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.

* A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'

* Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

* An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

* I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

* What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

* A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

* There was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Anti-Freeze

A man is met at the pearly gates by St Peter and told he has a choice to make. He is one of the rare individuals who can choose, after death, whether he will go to heaven or hell.

He is told to go check the other place out. Over against the wall is an elevator with only two buttons. Push the down button and upon arrival the door would automatically open and he could observe the life style in hell.

He was cautioned however not to exit the elevator for if he did he would be unable to return.

The man entered the elevator, pushed the down button and shortly the doors opened. He looked around in amazement at what greeted his eyes and, strictly following instructions stayed in the elevator. Shortly he pushed the up button and returned to speak to St. Peter.

“Well what did you think?”

“It’s not what I expected,” the man answered.

“What did you expect?”

Well I sort of expected fire and brimstone, wailing and gnashing of teeth, a lake of fire, stuff like that.”

“Of course.” said St. Peter, “What did you see?”

“I saw snow. I saw ice. I saw a blizzard like I have never seen before, and I’m from the east coast, I know blizzards!”

“Oh darn!” said Peter. “The Bengals are going to win the Super Bowl!!”
(You can change this to your favorite sport and least favorite team.)

Robber Visit

A man was sleeping soundly when his wife shook him and said, "Wake up, someone is breaking in!"

The man had gone through this same scenario almost every night of his marriage, and he knew that the only way he would get any rest was to get up and go check it out.

This time, however, he found that there really was a man with a gun who entered to rob the house!

As the thief was about to flee the man said, "Stop! You have to come with me and meet my wife."

Surprised, the thief turned around abruptly and said, "Why would you want ME to meet your wife?"

The man replied, "She's been expecting you for 20 years."

Hospital Introduction

While working as a Navy nurse in a military hospital's emergency room, this new Navy nurse was required to introduce himself by rank and full name. He usually referred to himself as Ensign Mike Payne, but one busy day he rushed into a patient's room and blurted, "Hi, I'm Ensign Payne."
"Hi," the patient responded. "I'm in some pain too."

Kitchen Wizard

My friend's husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better.

Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away. When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed, "I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath."

I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest."

F16 vs. C-130

F16 vs. C-130

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off.

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?

The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!' The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'

The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, went to the latrine, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll.'

When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing !!!

When you get older & smarter - comfort & dull is not such a bad thing !!!

Us older folks understand this one.

This Is Really How The Internet Began

http://home.comcast.net/~singingman7777/Beginning.htm

Consistency

A man goes to consult Dr. Dr. Mike Wilson about his medical problem. After the visit the man asks, "How much do I owe you?"


"My fee is five hundred dollars," replies Dr. Wilson.

"Five hundred dollars? That's impossible. No one charges that much!"

"In your case," the doctor replies, "I suppose I could adjust my fee to three hundred."

"Three hundred dollars? For one visit? Ridiculous."

"Well, then, could you afford two hundred?"

"Who has that kind of money?"

"Look, replies the doctor," growing irritated, "Just give me a hundred and get out of my office, okay?"

"I can give you fifty," says the man. "Take it or leave it."

"I don't understand you," says the doctor. "Why did you come to the most expensive doctor in San Diego if you have no money?"

"Listen, Doctor," says the patient, "When it comes to my health, nothing is too expensive!"

Road Crew Signs

While driving through Indiana, I kept having to slow down for road repair crews.

To keep the workers safe, the highway department posted a series of signs that read, "Let 'em work. Let 'em live."

On one of the signs an exasperated motorist had added, "Let 'em finish!"

Surround yourself with intelligent people

Surround yourself with intelligent people


Barack Obama meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "How do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Obama frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?" he asks.
"Oh, that's easy," says the Queen. "You just ask them to answer a simple riddle."
Just then Gordon Brown walks into the room.
"Gordon, your mother and father have a child," says the Queen. "It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Brown answers, "Oh. That would be ... me, your majesty?"
"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.
Upon his return to Washington, D.C., Obama asks Joe Biden the same question. "Joe. Your mother and your father have a kid. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He goes to his advisers and asks every one, but no one can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Robert Gates' shoes in the next stall. Biden asks Gates, "Robert! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Gates responds, "That's easy. It's me!"
Biden smiles, and says, "Thanks!" Then, he goes back to speak with Obama.
"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Robert Gates."
Obama gets up, stomps over to Biden, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Gordon Brown!"

E-Mail Warning

If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat canned pork because of swine flu ignore it.

It's just Spam.

Prayer before meals

A Sunday School teacher was trying to explain about saying grace before meals. One of the pupils was the young son of the minister of that church, so she started the discussion by asking him, "Jerry, what does your father say when the family sits down to dinner?"


"Dad says, 'Go easy on the butter, kids, its three dollars a pound!'"

Obama Jokes

These are good! (However I deny any connection with them.)

http://content.patriotpost.us/img/legacy/broadcasts/humor/102709.html

Leaning To the Right!

I have this friend who is so far to the right that:

• He is left-handed but is training himself to write and eat right-handed.
• He has removed the right heel from all his shoes so that he leans to the right when he walks.
• He has disabled his left turn signal on his car.
• While driving, he only makes right turns even if he has to go around the block, always turning right.
• On interstates and freeways, if his exit is a exit to the left, he will drive to the nearest exit where he can exit to the right.
• He refuses to eat left overs.
• On his daily To-Do List, he does not think about what is left to do; he considers what is the right thing to do.

So, what side are you on? And how far will you go to be right?

No Nativity Scene in Washington this year!

There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington this year!
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States ' Capital this Christmas season.
This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol.
A search for a Virgin continues.
There will be no problem however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

Conservative vs Liberal

If a conservative doesn’t like guns, he doesn`t buy one.

If a liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn`t eat meat.
If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.

If a conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat his enemy.
A liberal wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good.

If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
If a liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.

If black men or Hispanics are conservative, they see themselves as independently successful.
Their liberal counterparts see themselves as victims in need of government protection.

If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.

If a conservative doesn’t like a talk show host, he switches channels.
Liberals demand that those they don’t like be shut down.

If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn’t go to church.
A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced. (Unless it’s a foreign religion, of course!)

If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it or may choose a job that provides it.
A liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his.

If a conservative slips and falls in a store, he gets up, laughs, and is embarrassed.
If a liberal slips and falls, he grabs his neck, moans like he's in labor and then sues.

THE ECONOMY IS SOOOOOOOOOOOOO BAD THAT.........

THE ECONOMY IS SOOOOOOOOOOOOO BAD THAT.........


I got a Pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds, "you call them and ask if they meant you or them. hahahaha

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their Children's' names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

I love this Doctor.....

I love this Doctor.....




Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speed up heart not make live longer; that like say you can extend life of car by driving faster. Want live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. What are these? Vegetables. So, steak nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give 100% recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take water out of fruity bit; get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made out of grain.. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: If you have body and you have fat, ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Cannot think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only do sit-ups if want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: You crazy? HELLO… Cocoa beans! Vegetable!!! Cocoa beans best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming good for figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 

Blog: http://ramblinged.blogspot.com/

          http://edsjokes.blogspot.com/

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Dead Penguins

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica -- where do they go?
Wonder no more! -- It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:  'Freeze a jolly good fellow'.
Then they kick him in the ice hole.

You really didn't believe that I knew anything at all about penguins, did you?

The Potty

A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up. The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on the top of his head with his right hand.
His mother says, "Billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while."
Billy says, "I'm fine, mommy... I just haven't gone 'doody' yet."
Mother says, "OK, you can stay here for a few more minutes. But, Billy, what are you hitting yourself on the head?"

Billy replied, "It works for ketchup!"

New Wine for Seniors

I kid you not....


New Wine for Seniors

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as




PINO MORE

I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE

I just could not help myself, and I may have kidded you.

Grandchildren

Posted on http://www.obesityhelp.com/forums/over_50/4028884/OT-Funnies-for-Grandparents/


Post Date: 9/23/09 3:59 pm

Grandchildren

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye...

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard.. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read..."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct.. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these, yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

9 When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised, "mine says I'm 4 to 6."

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool "That's interesting," she said, "how do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11 Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another. "He's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.

SEND THIS TO OTHER GRANDPARENTS, ALMOST GRANDPARENTS, OR HECK, SEND IT TO EVERYONE.

Rednecks are Sensitive

Three rednecks were working on top of a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, dang, somebody should go and tell his wife.'
Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff. I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'
'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.
'That's unbelievable! You told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?'
'Well, not exactly,' Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her--you must be Cooter's widow.'
She said, 'You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'

News Alert

News Alert

Democrats, realizing the success of the President's "Cash For Clunkers" rebate program, have revamped a major portion of their National Health Care Plan.

President Obama, Speaker Pelosi, and Sen. Reid are expected to make this major announcement at a joint news conference later this week. I have obtained an advanced copy of the proposal which is named...

"CASH FOR CODGERS" ...and it works like this:

Couples wishing to access health care funds in order to pay for the delivery of a child will be required to turn in one old person. The amount the government grants them will be fixed according to a sliding scale. Older and more prescription dependent codgers will garner the highest amounts. Special "Bonuses" will be paid for those submitting codgers in targeted groups, such as smokers, alcohol drinkers, persons 10 pounds over their government prescribed weight, and any member of the Republican Party.

Smaller bonuses will be given for codgers who consume beef, soda, fried foods, potato chips, lattes, whole milk, dairy products, bacon, Brussel sprouts, or Girl Scout Cookies.

All codgers will be rendered totally useless via toxic injection. This will insure that they are not secretly resold or their body parts harvested to keep other codgers in repair.

Run my old friend, run! There's no way of knowing what the cutoff (no pun intended) age will be.

Blog: http://ramblinged.blogspot.com/

          http://edsjokes.blogspot.com/

Facebook: Ed Griffin

 

 

Flu Differences

What's the difference between Bird 'Flu and Swine 'Flu?

For one you need Tweetment and for the other Oinkment.

Courtesy of: The Cybersalt Digest, a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt Communications
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

 

 

Bible Story

Bible Story

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the Children of Israel " pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised land".

Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, " Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses and light up a camel, this is the Promised land".

Now Obama has stolen your shovel , taxed your asses, raised the price of camels, and mortgaged the Promised land.

Blog: http://ramblinged.blogspot.com/

          http://edsjokes.blogspot.com/

Facebook: Ed Griffin

 

 

From The Washington Post's Style Invitational

From The Washington Post's Style Invitational which asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

* Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

* Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

*. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

* Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

* Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

* Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

* Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

* Karmageddon (n): it's like, when everybody is sending off all these, like, really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

* Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

* Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

* Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

* Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

* Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

* Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

 

 

What could possibly go wrong?

What could possibly go wrong?

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello?"
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.
"Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The folks at Obama health care recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

(I think has been around the web previously.)