A Police STOP at 2 AM

A Police STOP at 2 AM
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."

MY DADDY IS A DANCER

MY DADDY IS A DANCER
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman... and so forth.
However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men, and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," the boy said. "He works for the Democratic National Committee and helped to get Obama elected, and just it's too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids."

ID at the bank

President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a check. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me"?
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure, sir. Could you please show me your ID."?
Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack H. Obama, president of the United States of America ."
Cashier: "Yes, sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of imposters and forgers, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."
Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Obama: "I am urging you to please cash this check."
Cashier: "Look, sir, here's what we can do: one day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his check. So, what can you do to prove that you are really the President of the United States ?"
Obama stood there thinking, and thinking, and finally says: "Honestly, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing"
Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"

Five Surgeons

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon, from New York, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second, from Chicago, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles, chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC, shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.....There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the rearend are interchangeable."!!

Season Ticket Swap

Season Ticket Swap


Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing.
"Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."
"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"
"Absolutely not," he said.
"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."
"Season's more than half over," he said.

My Little Dog

My Little Dog
This morning I went to sign my dog up for welfare. At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare." So I explained to her that my dog is mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging clue who his Daddy's is. They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care.
So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify...
My dog get his first checks Friday! Darn, this is a great country!!!

Concealed Carry Permit

Concealed Carry Permit
An Arizona Department of Safety Trooper pulled over a pick-up truck owner for a faulty tail light. When the Trooper approached the driver, the man behind the wheel handed the officer his driver's license, insurance card and a concealed weapon carry permit... (CCP).
The Trooper took all the documents, looked them over and said. "Mr.Smith, I see you have a CCP. Do you have any weapons with you?"
The driver replied, " Yes sir, I have a 357 handgun in a hip holster, a .45 in the glove box and a .22 derringer in my boot."
The Trooper looked at the driver and asked, "Anything else?"
"Yes sir, I have a Mossberg 500 - 12 gauge and an AR-15 behind the seat."
The Trooper asked if the man was driving to or from a shooting range and the man said he wasn't, so the Trooper bent over and looked into the driver's face and said "Mr. Smith, you're carrying quite a few guns. May I ask what you are afraid of?"
Mr. Smith locked eyes with the officer and calmly answered, "Not a freaking thing."