Gun Control

Gun Control
Barack Obama, at a recent rural elementary school assembly in WVA, asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.
Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'
Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud West Virginia drawl, pierced the quiet and said: 'Well, dumbass, stop clapping!'

The Talking Centipede

The Talking Centipede

A single guy decides life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store looking for something a bit unusual. He finally settled on a talking centipede, the kind that really does have a hundred legs.
The next day being Sunday, he decides to take the centipede to church. He goes up to the little centipede box and says, "Would you like to go to church with me today?”
There’s no answer.
A few minutes later he tried again. "How about going to church with me?
Again, no answer.
He waits a few minutes more, then realizes they’ll be late if they don’t get going soon. This time he yells, "Hey, you in there! Would you like to go to church with me? I mean, it’s Palm Sunday y’know!"
A tiny, bug-like voice comes out of the box. "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."

From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor.
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God Loves Blondes

God Loves Blondes (as do we all and all those who act like blondes.)

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray.. "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car.. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself....

"Sweetheart, work with Me on this......Buy a ticket."

God and Tom Brady

Tom Brady, after living a full life, died and went to heaven. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Patriots' flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity, Tom," said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here." Tom felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house.


On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3-story mansion with a blue and white sidewalk, a 50-foot tall flagpole with an enormous Colts' logo flag, and in every window, a blue and white Colts' towel. Tom Brady looked at God and said, "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I hold many NFL records, and I even went to the Hall of Fame." God said, "So what's your point Tom?" "Well, why does Peyton Manning get a better house than me?" God chuckled, and said "Tom, that's not Peyton's house, it's mine."

Florida Business Men

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be brand new store.
The store wasn't ready, with only a few empty shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Senior walked to the window, had a peek, and asked, "What Are you sellin' here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "Must be doing well...I see you Only have two left!"

Don't mess with us Seniors!!

TWO DIFFERENT DOCTORS' OFFICES

TWO DIFFERENT DOCTORS' OFFICES  (Not for sure this is funny!)

Boy, if this doesn't hit the nail on the head, I don't know what does!
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.
The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.

The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

Next time take me to a vet! Enough said?

No-Bid Barack - Mark_I’s blog - RedState

No-Bid Barack - Mark_I’s blog - RedState