"Who's playing?" he asked another observer.
"The Masons against the Knights of Columbus," he responded.
"What's the score?"
"I don't know. It's a secret."
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Basebell Score
A passerby stopped to watch a baseball game taking place at the local park.
"Who's playing?" he asked another observer.
"The Masons against the Knights of Columbus," he responded.
"What's the score?"
"I don't know. It's a secret."
"Who's playing?" he asked another observer.
"The Masons against the Knights of Columbus," he responded.
"What's the score?"
"I don't know. It's a secret."
Lost Bible
The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.
Three weeks later a cow walked up carrying the Bible in it's mouth.
The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes.
He took the book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the cow.
"Your name was written inside the cover."
Three weeks later a cow walked up carrying the Bible in it's mouth.
The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes.
He took the book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the cow.
"Your name was written inside the cover."
When Pigs Fly....
This morning, while I was eating breakfast, I was watching Fox news. On the scroll line below the commentators there was an article in which it was stated that the H1N1 virus, which is swine flu, was starting to mutate with the H5N1 virus, which is avian flu.
The first thing that crossed my mind was "Great, now pigs are flying."
Well, that was the time when Dad said we could have whatever outrageous thing that was on our list that month...
The first thing that crossed my mind was "Great, now pigs are flying."
Well, that was the time when Dad said we could have whatever outrageous thing that was on our list that month...
Thanksgiving Witticisms
“Last Thanksgiving, I had my chance to do the traditional thing of shooting my own turkey. Man, you should have seen the people scatter in the meat department.”
“When everyone at the table takes turns saying what they are thankful for, say, ‘I'm thankful I didn't get caught,’ and refuse to say anything more.”
[From a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’. To Subscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail.]
“When everyone at the table takes turns saying what they are thankful for, say, ‘I'm thankful I didn't get caught,’ and refuse to say anything more.”
[From a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’. To Subscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail.]
Sunday, November 22, 2009
A Harley biker
(Not for sure this is a joke.)
A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.
The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'
The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'
The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S.. Marine and a Republican.' The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page: U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.
A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.
The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'
The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'
The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S.. Marine and a Republican.' The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page: U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.
Funny Groaners
* Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
* A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'
* Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.
* A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'
* Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.
* An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
* I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
* What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
* A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.
* There was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
* A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'
* Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.
* A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'
* Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.
* An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
* I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
* What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
* A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.
* There was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Anti-Freeze
A man is met at the pearly gates by St Peter and told he has a choice to make. He is one of the rare individuals who can choose, after death, whether he will go to heaven or hell.
He is told to go check the other place out. Over against the wall is an elevator with only two buttons. Push the down button and upon arrival the door would automatically open and he could observe the life style in hell.
He was cautioned however not to exit the elevator for if he did he would be unable to return.
The man entered the elevator, pushed the down button and shortly the doors opened. He looked around in amazement at what greeted his eyes and, strictly following instructions stayed in the elevator. Shortly he pushed the up button and returned to speak to St. Peter.
“Well what did you think?”
“It’s not what I expected,” the man answered.
“What did you expect?”
Well I sort of expected fire and brimstone, wailing and gnashing of teeth, a lake of fire, stuff like that.”
“Of course.” said St. Peter, “What did you see?”
“I saw snow. I saw ice. I saw a blizzard like I have never seen before, and I’m from the east coast, I know blizzards!”
“Oh darn!” said Peter. “The Bengals are going to win the Super Bowl!!”
(You can change this to your favorite sport and least favorite team.)
He is told to go check the other place out. Over against the wall is an elevator with only two buttons. Push the down button and upon arrival the door would automatically open and he could observe the life style in hell.
He was cautioned however not to exit the elevator for if he did he would be unable to return.
The man entered the elevator, pushed the down button and shortly the doors opened. He looked around in amazement at what greeted his eyes and, strictly following instructions stayed in the elevator. Shortly he pushed the up button and returned to speak to St. Peter.
“Well what did you think?”
“It’s not what I expected,” the man answered.
“What did you expect?”
Well I sort of expected fire and brimstone, wailing and gnashing of teeth, a lake of fire, stuff like that.”
“Of course.” said St. Peter, “What did you see?”
“I saw snow. I saw ice. I saw a blizzard like I have never seen before, and I’m from the east coast, I know blizzards!”
“Oh darn!” said Peter. “The Bengals are going to win the Super Bowl!!”
(You can change this to your favorite sport and least favorite team.)
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