Gun Control

Gun Control
Barack Obama, at a recent rural elementary school assembly in WVA, asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.
Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'
Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud West Virginia drawl, pierced the quiet and said: 'Well, dumbass, stop clapping!'

The Talking Centipede

The Talking Centipede

A single guy decides life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store looking for something a bit unusual. He finally settled on a talking centipede, the kind that really does have a hundred legs.
The next day being Sunday, he decides to take the centipede to church. He goes up to the little centipede box and says, "Would you like to go to church with me today?”
There’s no answer.
A few minutes later he tried again. "How about going to church with me?
Again, no answer.
He waits a few minutes more, then realizes they’ll be late if they don’t get going soon. This time he yells, "Hey, you in there! Would you like to go to church with me? I mean, it’s Palm Sunday y’know!"
A tiny, bug-like voice comes out of the box. "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."

From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor.
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God Loves Blondes

God Loves Blondes (as do we all and all those who act like blondes.)

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray.. "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car.. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself....

"Sweetheart, work with Me on this......Buy a ticket."

God and Tom Brady

Tom Brady, after living a full life, died and went to heaven. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Patriots' flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity, Tom," said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here." Tom felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house.


On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3-story mansion with a blue and white sidewalk, a 50-foot tall flagpole with an enormous Colts' logo flag, and in every window, a blue and white Colts' towel. Tom Brady looked at God and said, "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I hold many NFL records, and I even went to the Hall of Fame." God said, "So what's your point Tom?" "Well, why does Peyton Manning get a better house than me?" God chuckled, and said "Tom, that's not Peyton's house, it's mine."

Florida Business Men

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be brand new store.
The store wasn't ready, with only a few empty shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Senior walked to the window, had a peek, and asked, "What Are you sellin' here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "Must be doing well...I see you Only have two left!"

Don't mess with us Seniors!!

TWO DIFFERENT DOCTORS' OFFICES

TWO DIFFERENT DOCTORS' OFFICES  (Not for sure this is funny!)

Boy, if this doesn't hit the nail on the head, I don't know what does!
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.
The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.

The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

Next time take me to a vet! Enough said?

No-Bid Barack - Mark_I’s blog - RedState

No-Bid Barack - Mark_I’s blog - RedState

Football and the Blonde

Football and the Blonde

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"

Looking Forward to Getting Old

Looking Forward to Getting Old

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me.'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

The nice thing about being senile is You can hide your own Easter eggs.

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia ..
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor's permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
By the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises As your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff In my shopping cart says, ' For fast relief.'

THE PRAYER :

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Scuba Divers

For all my Cajun friends:

So Boudreaux asks Thibodeaux, "Why dem Scuba divers always fall backways off dem boats?"

To which Thibodeaux replies, "You dumb Coon-butt - If dey fell forwards dey'd still be in de' boat."

And HOW

And HOW!

An Indian walked into a cafe, a shotgun in one hand and leadling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter: "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drank the coffee down in one gulp, turned and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere. And then just walked out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walked up to the counter and told the waiter: "Want coffee."
The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says ..


"Training for position in United States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.."

DOG FOR SALE

DOG FOR SALE

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the Government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security,wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff.

Free Kittens

A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing "FREE KITTENS".

Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a tall, grinning man. "Hi there, little girl, I'm President Obama. What do you have in the basket?" he asked.

"Kittens." little Suzy said.

"How old are they?" asked Obama.

Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."

"And what kind of kittens are they?"

"Democrats," answered Suzy with a smile.

Obama was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the president should return the next day, and, in front of the assembled media , have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.

So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of "FREE KITTENS" when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN.

Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Obama got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.

"Hello, again," he said, "Id love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."

"Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're Republicans, Tea Partiers and Independents."

Taken by surprise, the president stammered, "But... but... yesterday, you told me they were DEMOCRATS."

Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their eyes open."

Mime Neighbor

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast and the mime next door went nuts.

Kitten Saga

Kitten Saga
The pastor of a local church had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.

He did all this, checking his progress in the car frequently, then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved a little further forward, the rope broke. The tree went BOING and the kitten instantly sailed through the air - out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. Now this woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"

She replied, "You won't believe this," and told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, "Well if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it."

She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her."

Realization about my dog!

Realization about my dog!

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. She has her food prepared for her. She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365. Her meals are provided at no cost to her. She visits the doctor once a year for her checkup and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this she pays nothing and nothing is required of her. She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs but she is not required to do any upkeep. If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep. She receives these accommodations absolutely free. She is living like a queen and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day. I was just thinking about all this and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, Holy Crap, my dog is a democrat!

Discussing Afghanistan

President Obama was having his one, lone brief conversation this year with General McChrystal about Afghanistan.

It didn't go the way the General had hoped. Obama could tell, and told him: "I bet when I die you'll piss on my grave."

General McChrystal said: "No, I've always said that when I get out of the military, I'll never wait in another line again."

Bridal Registry for Elders

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds "

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

The Worlds Shortest Books

The Worlds Shortest Books
________________________________________________

THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE
by Barack Obama
________________________________________________

OTHER BLACK PEOPLE I'VE MET WHILE YACHTING
by Tiger Woods
________________________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan.
Illustrated by Michael Moore
________________________________________________

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
________________________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton
________________________________________________

Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton
________________________________________________

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden
________________________________________________

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates
________________________________________________

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman
________________________________________________

THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE
by Al Gore & John Kerry
________________________________________________

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
by Amelia Earhart
________________________________________________

COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J.. Kevorkian
________________________________________________

TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED, BEFORE ......
by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel
________________________________________________

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson
________________________________________________

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
by Anonymous
________________________________________________

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O. J. Simpson
________________________________________________

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY
by Ted Kennedy
________________________________________________

MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton with introduction
by the Rev. Jesse Jackson

*************************************************
AND, JUST ADDED:

Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy!
By Nancy Pelosi
________________________________________________

2010 Thoughts

2010 Thoughts

Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.
If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .

Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the Internet and
they won’t bother you for weeks.

Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky …
Not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2 - In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought For 2010 -
“Life is like a jar of habanero peppers: What you do today, might burn you tomorrow”

Mother Nature and Father Time

Grandma and grandpa were celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary. The local reporter came and asked them all kinds of ridiculous questions, such as, “Do you participate in sports?”
“Nope!” said Grandma. “My parents won’t let me.”
“Your parents?”
“Yep. Mother Nature and Father Time.”