"Who's playing?" he asked another observer.
"The Masons against the Knights of Columbus," he responded.
"What's the score?"
"I don't know. It's a secret."
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Basebell Score
A passerby stopped to watch a baseball game taking place at the local park.
"Who's playing?" he asked another observer.
"The Masons against the Knights of Columbus," he responded.
"What's the score?"
"I don't know. It's a secret."
"Who's playing?" he asked another observer.
"The Masons against the Knights of Columbus," he responded.
"What's the score?"
"I don't know. It's a secret."
Lost Bible
The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.
Three weeks later a cow walked up carrying the Bible in it's mouth.
The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes.
He took the book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the cow.
"Your name was written inside the cover."
Three weeks later a cow walked up carrying the Bible in it's mouth.
The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes.
He took the book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the cow.
"Your name was written inside the cover."
When Pigs Fly....
This morning, while I was eating breakfast, I was watching Fox news. On the scroll line below the commentators there was an article in which it was stated that the H1N1 virus, which is swine flu, was starting to mutate with the H5N1 virus, which is avian flu.
The first thing that crossed my mind was "Great, now pigs are flying."
Well, that was the time when Dad said we could have whatever outrageous thing that was on our list that month...
The first thing that crossed my mind was "Great, now pigs are flying."
Well, that was the time when Dad said we could have whatever outrageous thing that was on our list that month...
Thanksgiving Witticisms
“Last Thanksgiving, I had my chance to do the traditional thing of shooting my own turkey. Man, you should have seen the people scatter in the meat department.”
“When everyone at the table takes turns saying what they are thankful for, say, ‘I'm thankful I didn't get caught,’ and refuse to say anything more.”
[From a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’. To Subscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail.]
“When everyone at the table takes turns saying what they are thankful for, say, ‘I'm thankful I didn't get caught,’ and refuse to say anything more.”
[From a lively and fun newsletter called RUMORS which is available at no cost on the net. It’s for ‘Christians with a sense of humor’. To Subscribe:
* Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com
* Don't put anything else in that e-mail.]
Sunday, November 22, 2009
A Harley biker
(Not for sure this is a joke.)
A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.
The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'
The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'
The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S.. Marine and a Republican.' The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page: U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.
A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.
The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'
The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'
The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S.. Marine and a Republican.' The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page: U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.
Funny Groaners
* Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
* A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'
* Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.
* A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'
* Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.
* An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
* I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
* What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
* A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.
* There was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
* A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'
* Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.
* A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'
* Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.
* An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
* I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
* What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
* A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.
* There was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Anti-Freeze
A man is met at the pearly gates by St Peter and told he has a choice to make. He is one of the rare individuals who can choose, after death, whether he will go to heaven or hell.
He is told to go check the other place out. Over against the wall is an elevator with only two buttons. Push the down button and upon arrival the door would automatically open and he could observe the life style in hell.
He was cautioned however not to exit the elevator for if he did he would be unable to return.
The man entered the elevator, pushed the down button and shortly the doors opened. He looked around in amazement at what greeted his eyes and, strictly following instructions stayed in the elevator. Shortly he pushed the up button and returned to speak to St. Peter.
“Well what did you think?”
“It’s not what I expected,” the man answered.
“What did you expect?”
Well I sort of expected fire and brimstone, wailing and gnashing of teeth, a lake of fire, stuff like that.”
“Of course.” said St. Peter, “What did you see?”
“I saw snow. I saw ice. I saw a blizzard like I have never seen before, and I’m from the east coast, I know blizzards!”
“Oh darn!” said Peter. “The Bengals are going to win the Super Bowl!!”
(You can change this to your favorite sport and least favorite team.)
He is told to go check the other place out. Over against the wall is an elevator with only two buttons. Push the down button and upon arrival the door would automatically open and he could observe the life style in hell.
He was cautioned however not to exit the elevator for if he did he would be unable to return.
The man entered the elevator, pushed the down button and shortly the doors opened. He looked around in amazement at what greeted his eyes and, strictly following instructions stayed in the elevator. Shortly he pushed the up button and returned to speak to St. Peter.
“Well what did you think?”
“It’s not what I expected,” the man answered.
“What did you expect?”
Well I sort of expected fire and brimstone, wailing and gnashing of teeth, a lake of fire, stuff like that.”
“Of course.” said St. Peter, “What did you see?”
“I saw snow. I saw ice. I saw a blizzard like I have never seen before, and I’m from the east coast, I know blizzards!”
“Oh darn!” said Peter. “The Bengals are going to win the Super Bowl!!”
(You can change this to your favorite sport and least favorite team.)
Robber Visit
A man was sleeping soundly when his wife shook him and said, "Wake up, someone is breaking in!"
The man had gone through this same scenario almost every night of his marriage, and he knew that the only way he would get any rest was to get up and go check it out.
This time, however, he found that there really was a man with a gun who entered to rob the house!
As the thief was about to flee the man said, "Stop! You have to come with me and meet my wife."
Surprised, the thief turned around abruptly and said, "Why would you want ME to meet your wife?"
The man replied, "She's been expecting you for 20 years."
The man had gone through this same scenario almost every night of his marriage, and he knew that the only way he would get any rest was to get up and go check it out.
This time, however, he found that there really was a man with a gun who entered to rob the house!
As the thief was about to flee the man said, "Stop! You have to come with me and meet my wife."
Surprised, the thief turned around abruptly and said, "Why would you want ME to meet your wife?"
The man replied, "She's been expecting you for 20 years."
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Hospital Introduction
While working as a Navy nurse in a military hospital's emergency room, this new Navy nurse was required to introduce himself by rank and full name. He usually referred to himself as Ensign Mike Payne, but one busy day he rushed into a patient's room and blurted, "Hi, I'm Ensign Payne."
"Hi," the patient responded. "I'm in some pain too."
"Hi," the patient responded. "I'm in some pain too."
Kitchen Wizard
My friend's husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better.
Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away. When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed, "I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath."
I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest."
Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away. When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed, "I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath."
I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest."
Sunday, November 15, 2009
F16 vs. C-130
F16 vs. C-130
A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off.
The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?
The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!' The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'
The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, went to the latrine, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll.'
When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing !!!
When you get older & smarter - comfort & dull is not such a bad thing !!!
Us older folks understand this one.
A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off.
The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?
The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!' The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'
The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, went to the latrine, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll.'
When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing !!!
When you get older & smarter - comfort & dull is not such a bad thing !!!
Us older folks understand this one.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Consistency
A man goes to consult Dr. Dr. Mike Wilson about his medical problem. After the visit the man asks, "How much do I owe you?"
"My fee is five hundred dollars," replies Dr. Wilson.
"Five hundred dollars? That's impossible. No one charges that much!"
"In your case," the doctor replies, "I suppose I could adjust my fee to three hundred."
"Three hundred dollars? For one visit? Ridiculous."
"Well, then, could you afford two hundred?"
"Who has that kind of money?"
"Look, replies the doctor," growing irritated, "Just give me a hundred and get out of my office, okay?"
"I can give you fifty," says the man. "Take it or leave it."
"I don't understand you," says the doctor. "Why did you come to the most expensive doctor in San Diego if you have no money?"
"Listen, Doctor," says the patient, "When it comes to my health, nothing is too expensive!"
"My fee is five hundred dollars," replies Dr. Wilson.
"Five hundred dollars? That's impossible. No one charges that much!"
"In your case," the doctor replies, "I suppose I could adjust my fee to three hundred."
"Three hundred dollars? For one visit? Ridiculous."
"Well, then, could you afford two hundred?"
"Who has that kind of money?"
"Look, replies the doctor," growing irritated, "Just give me a hundred and get out of my office, okay?"
"I can give you fifty," says the man. "Take it or leave it."
"I don't understand you," says the doctor. "Why did you come to the most expensive doctor in San Diego if you have no money?"
"Listen, Doctor," says the patient, "When it comes to my health, nothing is too expensive!"
Road Crew Signs
While driving through Indiana, I kept having to slow down for road repair crews.
To keep the workers safe, the highway department posted a series of signs that read, "Let 'em work. Let 'em live."
On one of the signs an exasperated motorist had added, "Let 'em finish!"
To keep the workers safe, the highway department posted a series of signs that read, "Let 'em work. Let 'em live."
On one of the signs an exasperated motorist had added, "Let 'em finish!"
Friday, November 6, 2009
Surround yourself with intelligent people
Surround yourself with intelligent people
Barack Obama meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "How do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Obama frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?" he asks.
"Oh, that's easy," says the Queen. "You just ask them to answer a simple riddle."
Just then Gordon Brown walks into the room.
"Gordon, your mother and father have a child," says the Queen. "It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Brown answers, "Oh. That would be ... me, your majesty?"
"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.
Upon his return to Washington, D.C., Obama asks Joe Biden the same question. "Joe. Your mother and your father have a kid. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He goes to his advisers and asks every one, but no one can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Robert Gates' shoes in the next stall. Biden asks Gates, "Robert! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Gates responds, "That's easy. It's me!"
Biden smiles, and says, "Thanks!" Then, he goes back to speak with Obama.
"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Robert Gates."
Obama gets up, stomps over to Biden, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Gordon Brown!"
Barack Obama meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "How do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Obama frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?" he asks.
"Oh, that's easy," says the Queen. "You just ask them to answer a simple riddle."
Just then Gordon Brown walks into the room.
"Gordon, your mother and father have a child," says the Queen. "It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Brown answers, "Oh. That would be ... me, your majesty?"
"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.
Upon his return to Washington, D.C., Obama asks Joe Biden the same question. "Joe. Your mother and your father have a kid. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He goes to his advisers and asks every one, but no one can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Robert Gates' shoes in the next stall. Biden asks Gates, "Robert! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Gates responds, "That's easy. It's me!"
Biden smiles, and says, "Thanks!" Then, he goes back to speak with Obama.
"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Robert Gates."
Obama gets up, stomps over to Biden, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Gordon Brown!"
E-Mail Warning
If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat canned pork because of swine flu ignore it.
It's just Spam.
It's just Spam.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Prayer before meals
A Sunday School teacher was trying to explain about saying grace before meals. One of the pupils was the young son of the minister of that church, so she started the discussion by asking him, "Jerry, what does your father say when the family sits down to dinner?"
"Dad says, 'Go easy on the butter, kids, its three dollars a pound!'"
"Dad says, 'Go easy on the butter, kids, its three dollars a pound!'"
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